The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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