i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The beer is more important than you right now.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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