ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
