Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize