My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
