so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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