just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
