I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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