We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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