I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
