I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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