drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
