I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I am naked and annoyed.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
