That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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