the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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