Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
