I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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