Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
