Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize