I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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