Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
