Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
