WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
