I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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