when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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