I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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