I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
