My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
