yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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