I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
