i'm signing you up for texting rehab
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
