Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
