My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
