I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
