that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I need moral support for this bender
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I want to fling myself into the sun
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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