i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
