If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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