Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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