dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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