Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
