So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
