Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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