What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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