i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
