someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
