I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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