You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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