I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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