What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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