Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i need some magic done to my vagina
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize