Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
