I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I am naked and annoyed.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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