I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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