I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
im six kinds of drunk right now
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
