its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
