worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize