i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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