you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
