Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
