and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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