I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
