9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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